The following thoughts involves nihilistic thoughts and suicidal tendencies. So please if you are sensitive to these topics read at your own peril.
"Life and Death.
Every time I wake up, there is a constant thought that goes in my mind, a wish that I always seem to yearn for but too afraid to actually do it myself, it's the hope that today's the day that my life finally ends.
Most people would react to this as not "normal" that I should seek professional help. "Not normal?", why?
I view life as something that is devoid of meaning and is full of random occurrences that is mostly composed of pain, suffering, anguish and judgment. For me, life is just procrastinating until you eventually die and everything you work for is forgotten and all of your feelings, plans, hopes, dreams dies along with you.
So why not think of dying? Why not embrace the concept of death and the freedom it holds?
And yet others will still try to argue that "these thoughts will pass, that I will find something or someone to change my perspective on life, that I just have to reach out to the world and live my life to the fullest every single day."
It's not like I never tried...tried to see things differently...tried to make close friends that I can share my burdens with...tried to restore hope...I really did try. Honest.
For years I've pretended and lied to myself that "everything will work itself out". But it never did. For years I tried to lighten the burden by sharing my thoughts with friends and family members in a form of a joke or a serious conversation, the answers they give me would always be the same to me, "It will be alright, we will help you, you're our friend", "Your just being pessimistic and dramatic again...", "we will overcome this together", "It will be fine in the end, you just have to keep trying."
But it never really helped to keep the thoughts away...and in the back of my mind, I think to myself that exposing myself like this will just leave me vulnerable for judgements and more pain, and more emotional damage.
Despite all this I still tried my best to live my life and fulfill my own and everyone's expectations. I tried to overcome my negative outlook in life with my family and friends. I even cling to faith.
But thought just kept coming back and it overwhelms me everyday and I start seeing it as an opportunity to escape this world, this world full of hardships and struggles and the constant judgement of others. It swallows me whole and virtues me deeper into a deep dark chasm of thoughts.
It makes me question myself how I come to be this way. What changed? What is the root of all this thoughts that keep spiraling through my mind? Am I really depressed or am I just pretending because I'm seeking attention from others? Am I just lazy and too sheltered and lack ambition that whenever something that is inconvenient for me I just thought of death as the answer?
In the end I never find the answer I was looking for, and it just leaves me confused and afraid. A wish floats to my mind, a wish that someone else was in my place...maybe they'll be a better older brother, son, artist...maybe they'll make better life choices and live life happily...maybe I should never have been born in the first place...
Continuing that train of thought often leaves me to the same conclusion grab a knife and end my suffering.
After all, no one would miss a nihilistic, and suicidal person like me...at this point I don't even want myself to be understood and loved...I'm not even human anymore...I've wasted everyone's trust and belief in me...
I should just die, no one would remember me anyway. Sure, some people will shed some tears but those feelings will eventually follow me to my grave and everything I've done will be reduced to nothing anyway...and I'll finally be released from these shackles I call "life"."
The thoughts shared above is little something to add to the emotion that I want to add to the piece to make it darker and explain my thought process on creating this(just a bit)
It's a little different from my usual art submissions(very different actually). I just wanted to make something original and kinda personal.
It's up to you to decide if the thoughts above are mine or a friend's or something I just conjured up from thin air.
Either way I hope you enjoy...or feel something for this piece.